Feelings and Thoughts on a maybe touchy situation
Feelings and Thoughts on a maybe touchy situation
Posted by: Navy Wife |
Tuesday, November 2009 @ 19:20 |
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Have a friend who daughter just got engaged (after dating for a couple of months) to a guy in the Army. They will be married in a couple of months as he is deploying. Mom/Dad are not happy about this and do not think she fully understands what she is getting into. This seems to be the norm lately; "girl meets guy (in the service) and marrys while maybe only dating for a short time. Guy get deploys, gets blown up and ends up injured--transferred to Walter Reed or wherever for months or longer of surgery, therapy and so on. Wife joins him, helps with care, they eventually go home, guy gets discharged, has problems resulting from War, won't work or can't..money is tight, wife goes to work, takes care of everything and to top it off they are very very young. Husband either gets counseling or doesn't, has mood swings, anger issues and flashbacks. Tensions rise and fall in household until wife or husband move out and eventually divorce".
The more I talk to people, read and research this seems to be the norm today. I guess my question is...how many of you on here are experiencing this or have or maybe know someone that is? Why would you marry someone you barely know and realize that there is a very good chance you are going to experience something of this sort? Do you realize that when you take those vows for better or worse, that by marrying a service man off to war chances are the worse is going to happen and you will not only be doing all of what I said above but also become a lifelong caregiver and have life altering changes to deal with for the rest of your life? Are you really ready for that at such young age and after only dating for such a short period of time? I guess it boggles my mind why you would marry someone of this nature after only dating for a couple of months. Any input to this? Am I missing something here?
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Feelings and Thoughts on a maybe touchy situation
Posted by: Ron |
Wednesday, November 2009 @ 12:23 |
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My mother and dad where very young and did this when he went off to war in WWI. He got gassed and they returned him to the US. He recovered and they five boys. They had no problems with there marriage and just a few problems with us boys. Had there 60 wedding anniversary and my mom pasted away shortly after that and my dad a year later.
I'm sure that other young couples did the same thing in all wars and conflicks and had the same problems you are talking about. Because of the communications TV, Computer and Newspaper and ect., you just hear about it more in this era.
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RE: Feelings and Thoughts on a maybe touchy situation
Posted by: Tracey |
Thursday, November 2009 @ 06:01 |
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I think that it could be due to what Ron said, that we are exposed to the news all the time now etc..but I also think it has to do with 'modern' times.
Not so long ago, it was pretty much a given that marriage was for life, there was a certain sense of shame if you divorced. That doesn't seem to hold true anymore, seems to me very few people actually fully understand what 'for better or worse' means anymore.
There was also the fact that not so long ago men went to work while women stayed home and cared for the children, in that situation many women stayed in 'unhappy' marriages simply because they didn't see that they had any other option. They had no income of their own, no way to support their children as a single parent etc..obviously that no longer holds true anymore either.
I think society just changed our 'norms'. Remember when it was considered extremely shameful for a woman to get pregnant out of wedlock? They used to send unwed pregnant girls/women away to have the baby in secrecy while making up some story to cover her absense. Women who had babies out of wedlock would make up lies about how the father had died and they were widows etc..just to avoid the shame of being an unwed mother. Seems like everywhere I look now there are single unwed mothers raising children and nobody thinks twice about it. Not saying it's right or wrong, it's just something that used to be extremely taboo has now become an everyday thing.
And to answer your question, I think it all depends on the person as to whether or not the marriage will last. I do believe age has something to do with it, I was 23 when I got married and as unprepared as I was at 23 I can only imagine how hard it would have been if I had married younger. But saying that, I am and have always been a firm believer in the vows I took the day I got married, you don't get to stay married only as long as it's fun. Marriage is hard work and anyone who thinks differently is most likely not going to stay married long because they won't be willing to put in the work when things get tough.
I guess I'm just a believer that if things come easy you don't tend to appreciate them as much.
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RE: Feelings and Thoughts on a maybe touchy situation
Posted by: AF Male |
Thursday, November 2009 @ 17:17 |
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It seems to me that you have their whole life planned out already. I think that if you were to count how many service men and women are actually over there, and then count the number of injuries/deaths that the percentage is actually very small.
I think you need to give love a chance. If you tell these young kids to not do something, they will find a way to do it anyway behind their parents back.
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RE: Feelings and Thoughts on a maybe touchy situation
Posted by: Navy Wife |
Thursday, November 2009 @ 20:20 |
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AF male...the percentage of injuries/deaths is small? Go to Walter Reed Hospital and take a good look at all the injured from this war. Talk to the spouses who are young like I mentioned and see what is really up ahead for them and their lifes. Big big changes for them. I just think that after a couple of months how can you really think that you are so in love and will really commit to those vows? I am all for love and so on and I realize that this is a situation that has been going for ever, meet a service man and marry him....I just don't think some of these couples are looking at the whole broad picture here and giving it serious thought. Talk to the wives of wounded soliders and really listen to what they are going through. Most of them are ending their marriages after really trying to make it work. Most of them are emotionally spent and can't deal with the whole situation. I am sure Ron is right about communication these days, tv and computer and that these same situations happened in WWII and Vietnam also. I just wish people would really sit back and think about what those vows mean and what marrying a solider could mean for the future. Sadly love does not fix all things nor solve them.
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RE: Feelings and Thoughts on a maybe touchy situation
Posted by: Ron |
Friday, November 2009 @ 16:50 |
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This old Air Force guy (me)got married back in 1956. At that time I had to be counseled by the First Sgt first, then the CO. Then my wife to be and me with the CO. That was not the end of it, we also had to see the base Chaplin for counseling. They basically ran all the things that newly weds would be going through from pay and what we could afford on my pay, rent, food, expenses for the car ect., being separated at times and of course being able to afford children right away. We sat sat down and went through all of this stuff they had told us. It was really an eye opener for us. We went back to the CO explained what our plans for the future where and we under stood what he told us. He then signed the papers for his OK for us to get married. For fifty years we used that knowledge they had give us on purchasing anything we bought ect, ect. We also passed this on to our children who benefited from this also.
I lost my wife 3 1/2 years ago, she told to councel our grandchildren. I've been doing that...I have no idea what the military services do now a days.
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RE: Feelings and Thoughts on a maybe touchy situation
Posted by: Tracey |
Friday, November 2009 @ 17:09 |
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Unfortunately they do none of that now Ron. All they do is offer free counseling when things go wrong in a marriage and of course that counseling goes on the service members record so many in need will not take the help.
One thing they do offer (some bases, not all) is the opportunity for married women with children who have been 'in the military' for a set # of years to mentor young women who are newly married into the military. It's actually a great thing and I recommend it for not only those who are new to the military but also to those who have been in for a while and have some great advice to offer.
I've been doing it for a few years now (it's a voluntary position)and absolutely love it. I've mentored 17 year old 'women' who don't know even how to turn on a washing machine let alone do laundry, women who don't even know how to balance their bank account, cook a meal etc..you also get to help them discover the resources the military offers, teach them how to apply for a job, where to look for employment etc.
The saddest part is having to walk into a home where a 17 year old has just delivered her first child,her husband of 6 months is deployed, the house is a disaster, baby is filthy and not well cared for and the 17 year old feels as if there's nowhere to turn and no one to help. In those cases it's a matter of starting with the basics, how to change a diaper, how/what and when to feed the baby, how to give the baby a bath etc..then you build on that. The majority are very grateful and just needed to be guided in the right direction, they want to be good wives and mothers but just don't know where to start.
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Tracey
Posted by: Ron |
Friday, November 2009 @ 18:02 |
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Well that's great news. My son is in the Marines and when he was deployed his wife would do something like what you are doing for his squadron. At anytime, she could call or see the CO to get help for a marines wife if she couldn't handle it. It really helped when the CO's wife was envolved if the CO was deployed also.
Thanks for your service!!!
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RE: Feelings and Thoughts on a maybe touchy situation
Posted by: AF Male |
Monday, November 2009 @ 15:19 |
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Looking at just the numbers: .125 percent of all the US military men and women thathave gone to Iraq have resulted in deaths (some from conflict, some from non-conflict related deaths) and approximately 2 percent have resulted in some kind of injury. This injury could range from a sprain to loss of limbs or ...
That means that 12 GI's out of 10,000 die (on the average) and about 2 out of every hundred get injured to some degree.
Regarding this person falling in love with a service member: why are we so concerned with what someone else is doing or who is going to marry who? Like I said in an earlier post, it seemed like someone had this couple's whole life mapped out and had accounted for the worst. If this girl is not paying attention to what is going on, if she is not aware of the injuries to our beloved service members, then she has blinders on and nothing we say is going to wake her up. The more someone tries to "show her the way" the more she is going to rebel and do what she wants.
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RE: Feelings and Thoughts on a maybe touchy situation
Posted by: Navy Wife |
Monday, November 2009 @ 19:46 |
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Where did you get these stats AF Male? Of course people are concerned over this young lady. Her family is very concerned. She has only been with guy for about three months. They love her and are very very concerned. That is what parents and families do. I would do the same thing.
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RE: Feelings and Thoughts on a maybe touchy situation
Posted by: AF Male |
Tuesday, November 2009 @ 08:32 |
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To Navywife: reread your first post on this thread. Start with the first paragraph, third line where the quotation marks are to the end of that paragraph. You said this seems to be the norm. Really? In your quotation marks, you said service, not Army. Is this the norm for all five branches of the armed forces?
Regarding the stats: do you have any connections in the Pentagon? If so, ask that contact how many US service members in all five branches have rotated in and out of Iraq since the war started? Then ask how many deaths and injuires and do the math. Don't take my word on the matter: do you own homework but go directly to the sources that will give you accurate numbers.
Thank you for listening (or reading). Also, thank you for caring for this young couple, even though we don't agree on some things!! I think all you folks here on this site are awesome.
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RE: Feelings and Thoughts on a maybe touchy situation
Posted by: Navy Wife |
Tuesday, November 2009 @ 17:34 |
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Well I personally do not have connections but my dh does. So is that where you got your information on these stats? That was my question --from what source of info did you get these? As far as what I said, I will clarify-it seems to be the norm these days of what I said in my first post, yes young ladies are dating military men for a few short months and running off and getting married. All of what I said in my first post seems to be happening more and more. There are alot of young women out there dealing with the stress of DH being deployed in ANY service (Navy has special forces too) and than having to deal with DH getting injured, blown up, or killed. They all come back changed one way or another. Read the blogs---this is the same story over and over today. It is just plain sad and I wish couples would really think about what they are getting into before they run off and get married without really knowing each other or what the future could really hold for them. It is definately a true test of love and many do not make it.
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RE: Feelings and Thoughts on a maybe touchy situation
Posted by: Navy Wife |
Wednesday, November 2009 @ 02:50 |
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"Program: NOW on PBSEpisode: Who's Helping Our Wounded Vets?The Pentagon estimates that as many as one in five American soldiers are coming home from war zones with traumatic brain injuries. But lost in the reports of these returning soldiers are the stories of family members who often sacrifice everything to care for them. NOW reveals how little has been done to help these family caregivers, and reports on dedicated efforts to support them."
• Visit the Who's Helping Our Wounded
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RE: Feelings and Thoughts on a maybe touchy situation
Posted by: Navy Wife |
Wednesday, November 2009 @ 02:53 |
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These are guys who's skulls are being put back together piece by piece. The care givers are family, wife or girlfriend that sacrifice everything, home, jobs and more to care for their loved ones.
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RE: Feelings and Thoughts on a maybe touchy situation
Posted by: ArmyWife/Pa |
Wednesday, November 2009 @ 10:31 |
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Ok Im not going to get into all the other stuff that everyone else wrote because it seems to have gotten off topic a bit, but I will tell you my experience because its not the norm.
I was 18 when we got married, I am an AF brat, my whole life has been military. I know all the pros and cons of marrying a military man. We met in Sept of 89 and got married in March of 90. He went off to a field problem probably right after we got married and was gone for 2 months. There have been countless field problems and deployments since then.....
WE will be celebrating our 20th anniv. in March.
I think it all boils down to maturity and knowing what you are getting into. I dont think age or how long you have known someone is always a factor.
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RE: Feelings and Thoughts on a maybe touchy situation
Posted by: Navy Wife |
Saturday, November 2009 @ 20:38 |
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Maturity and knowing what you are getting into--that is good Armywife. You also had some advantage than most by living a military life before marrying into one. How many of these young girls have that or actually understand what they are getting into? I have a daughter who swears she wants to "marry a military man".....while she has lived a military life and just turned 21 I don't think she is mature enough to handle it. But than that is her....she is still maturing. I do discourage her from this because of that. I would fear she could not handle it, even though she has lived the life of it and had a father that would be gone at a moments notice and not know when he could return.
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RE: Feelings and Thoughts on a maybe touchy situation
Posted by: Tiffany |
Friday, December 2009 @ 22:03 |
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I am 23, and had no affiliation with any military before getting married at 19. Although my husband 23, was an Army brat. I knew my husband for only a few months before he decided to join the army. I had always said I would never marry a man in the service because I did not believe that I could handle the duration of time spent away from one another. But we found ourselves getting married only 3 weeks after he returned from basic training. We had our first daughter 9 months later. He deployed for 15months 2 weeks before our first anniversary and only a day after finding out I was pregnant again. Of course it was difficult; the worrying, the loneliness, the very small children, but I considered myself lucky. Unlike a policemen or a firefighters' spouse I only had to worry about him for those 15 months, not every day. My husband was put into some very unsafe situations, breaking his leg was the only one that really ever caused much change in our household because he was very limited to what he could and could not do. (But I had already been taking care of 2 children under 2 by myself, so he was just like a third.)
I think that it all has to do with your idea of marriage, people seem to believe that when your marriage has a rough patch that you just jump into a divorce and they no longer take the time to work through their issues. There are always going to be times when you are going to want to give up. Stress, life, the kids, money, these things can have a toll on you, but only if you let them!
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RE: Feelings and Thoughts on a maybe touchy situation
Posted by: Navy Wife |
Wednesday, January 2010 @ 20:08 |
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Well this poor moms daughter ran off and got married a couple of days ago. They were going to get married in the Spring, but he is getting sent somewhere (not going to mention details on any board) and they got married by the Justice of Peace. I wish them well and hope they know what in the heck they are doing.
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RE: Feelings and Thoughts on a maybe touchy situation
Posted by: Susan |
Sunday, January 2010 @ 18:47 |
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Well..........I am locking my daughter up. She thinks she is going to run off and marry a solider boy. Not about to happen. She can be engaged for a long time before and make sure this is exactly the right man and right thing. I don't believe in love at first sight....maybe lust but not love. And lust will not take you through the rough times. Only love will.
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Feelings and Thoughts on a maybe touchy situation
Posted by: quiet storm |
Wednesday, August 2010 @ 22:25 |
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Well to be honest to everybody life is hard and you can only live in your shoes. Teach your kids the best you can but they will do what they feel and want to. If the reports are right divorce has come from different reasons and different situations. Nobody knows love and what a heart feels and if a person thinks its love then thats their choice. Yes being involved with a military person is hard but every occupation is hard. You raise your children to be adults and find out things on their own and they will and sometimes failure is part of life. A parent should listen, try to to reach them but you cant control them I see poor divorced, rich divorced, every race divorced and every race making it happen. If its meant its meant. thats life. This comes from my current 16 years of military life. I have seen it all best friends for years and people who fell in love as strangers. You know you have friends that have also. So no need to ignore facts and yes somethings just dont go right with us but its their lives and not yours. trust me if they want to marry they will.
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RE: Feelings and Thoughts on a maybe touchy situation
Posted by: Navy Wife |
Friday, August 2010 @ 22:34 |
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Okay good points quiet storm. Thank you.
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